Law school, and well life in general, is full of false summits for most people. (I say most people because there are those whose law school experience has been perfect since the beginning, and that’s great!)

What’s a false summit you might ask? “In mountaineering, a false peak or false summit is a peak that appears to be the pinnacle of the mountain but upon reaching, it turns out the summit is higher. False peaks can have significant effects on climbers’ psychological states by inducing feelings of dashed hopes or even failure.” (Thank you Wikipedia!)

False summits are the absolute worse, even if you know they are coming. One of the first major hikes I did in Colorado was the Incline in Mantou Springs. Kalle and I knew about the false summit. I tried to mentally prepare my brain for it, reminding myself constantly that what i could see that looked like the top wasn’t actually the top. But every time I looked up my brain so badly wanted it to be the end so it could say “look what I accomplished!” Instead every time it had to come back to reality and realize we still had a whole other leg of the journey that we couldn’t see yet. And that’s hard for a brain in which its biggest fear is never accomplishing anything…perfectly.

Let’s tie this into Harry Potter, shall we?

Chapter 9- The Woes of Mrs. Weasley

We pick up where the last post left off. Dumbledore doesn’t talk to Harry before leaving the courtroom.  Mr. Weasley takes Harry back to Grimmauld Place. On their way out they see Fudge meeting with Lucius Malfoy. Back at Grimmauld Place, everybody celebrates Harry’s acquittal. Everyone gets their Hogwarts letters and Ron and Hermione are named prefects.  Harry is jealous that Ron was chosen over him as prefect, given all he has done at Hogwarts over the years. (Damn, that friendship jealousy.)

After the party, Mrs Weasley goes upstairs to get rid of the Boggart Mad-Eyed Moody identified for her earlier. Moody shows Harry an old photograph of the original Order of the Phoenix. After going upstairs, Harry finds that the sight of Mrs. Weasley’s worst fears (all her family members and Harry dead) was too much for her; she started ugly crying before Lupin gets rid of the Boggart after arriving upstairs with Sirius and Moody. As they help calm her down, Mrs Weasley wonders about the future of her loved ones.

Chapter 10- Luna Lovegood

On the day of departure to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, the group is rushing to get ready as the children will be taken there under guard per Moody’s recommendation. Sirius accompanies them in his Animagus form. After the Hogwarts Express departs, with Ron and Hermione having to go to the prefects’ carriage, Harry shares a compartment with Ginny, Neville Longbottom, and  Luna Lovegood. Later Ron and Hermione show up and tell them who the new prefects are for the other houses, including Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson for Slytherin. Luna is reading a tabloid magazine called The Quibbler, of which, she tells them, her father is the editor.

Draco and Co. show up to make fun of the fact that Ron was chosen over Harry for the position of prefect and his comment “dogging around” causes Harry to worry that Draco might know now that Sirius is an Animagus. After arriving at Hogsmeade station Harry notices that instead of Hagrid, Professor Grubbly-Plank, who previously substituted for Hagrid during their last school year, is there to direct the first years to their boats. When boarding their carriage Harry notices that the carriages are being pulled by some sort of winged horses. He points them out to Ron and Hermione, but they can’t see them, and act worried when he insists that they are right there. Luna says that she can see them, and in fact could see them ever since she first came to Hogwarts. Harry is mystified, since he couldn’t see them when he first came, but he can see them now.

Luna Lovegood is one of those characters I relate to the most but find it hard to admit to. I mean in a perfect world I would be Hermione. I’d have great friends, people would admire how brainy I was, and I would have the willpower to fight for great causes. Okay, honestly I would just wanna be as smart as Hermione. But alas, I am more of a Luna, a little odd, dresses funny, people don’t necessarily want to be around all the time, etc. Luckily though no one has stolen my shoes…as of yet. Luna however is completely okay with who she is, as where I wish I was anyone but myself at least once a day. Her world is perfect. She creates her own brand of magic with what she believes in.

Who is completely opposite from this? Harry. In these chapters I can relate to Harry quite a bit. He is completely put off by his friends’ success. When Ron is chosen to be a prefect, Harry feels jealousy… the why not me complex kicking in. Most of us have been there at some point or another. If you are anything like me, when you get those fits of jealousy, you try to stop and ask yourself why you are so jealous. Before therapy my answer would be, “I just can’t help it.” Now, it’s more like “Because I have an irrational fear that I will not accomplish anything in life and that in my perfectionist world that honor (award, job, etc.) would mean that I matter, that I accomplished something.”

My idea of reaching great accomplishments, receiving awards, titles, and accolades is a false summit in life. When I finally got my first A- in law school, I thought to myself, it’s all finally clicked, I’m going to just keep doing what I just did and BAM I’ll keep doing well…false summit. When I got my first summer internship, I thought to myself, this will be great and my future will now just fall into place…false summit.

Here’s the hard lesson I’ve learned from this nasty cycle: life shouldn’t be just a series of accomplishments followed by the hard realization that there is still a long ways to go. We should be treating life the way Luna does… we should be creating our own world full of gnarkles and other magical creatures that may or may not exist. We should be looking for the good in everything and not just looking at the things we can receive. Wear that lion headress to the qudditch match and be proud! Say what you want. Be weird or don’t be weird, whatever works for you! Just be you and be unapologetic. Don’t wait for accolades to say who you are… create your own system of accomplishments. Enjoy what you have, don’t compare what you have to others and let that crush your spirit. All that does is create a series of false summits on your way to finding true happiness.

And sure, a lot of people reading this probably already know this to be true. To those people I say this: look to be a light in the world. Show others who struggle kindness and compassion. Listen to those people and affirm who they are. Sometimes people just want to know that they aren’t invisible, that they exist in the same world you do. You don’t have to be their best friend, but have just enough compassion to show them that they do in fact exist in your world too.

But for those of you out there who struggle through life, like I do, whether it be because of emotional disorders, anxiety and depression, or just overall self-doubt, know that your life doesn’t have to be a series of false summits, that you can be free from that mind trap, you can see the world that way it should be and not just the way it is. You can create your own magic and get out of the constant fear loop of never being enough and never overcoming your other fears.  We can do this. We don’t have to be jealous of others. We can take solace in who we are. We don’t have to be Harry Potters… we can be Luna Lovegood and love ourselves no matter what.

Until Next Time,

Mischief Managed

Hey there, long time no post. Sorry that it’s been a while, I’ve been busy moving and working and taking classes. The Clinic I was in last year kicked my ass. But anyways I wanted to give this another shot. While there is no way I will finish books 5-7 by the end of May, I can at least give a little more insight into my world through HP.

So here we go again.

Chapter 8

So, Harry makes it to the Hearing in front of the Wizengamot. The room is set-up with one chair for Harry in the middle and about fifty people seated at the bench above him. Harry is charged under the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery and the International Statute of Secrecy. Dumbledore arrives as a witness for Harry and everyone begins to whisper. Fudge starts the trial without giving Harry a chance to defend himself. Once Harry gets the chance to explain about the Dementors, Fudge labels his statement a convenient lie, but Dumbledore is able to produce a reliable witness: Mrs Figg, whom describes what she saw (Dementors and Dudley)

When Fudge points out the unlikelihood of Dementors in Little Whinging, Dumbledore suggests that someone within the Ministry ordered them there. Which makes Fudge mad and he refuses to accept any of this as evidence and while Dumbledore reminds him that magic can be used in these extraordinary circumstances. Fudge dismisses this, given Harry’s past issues, reminding them of his illegal use of magic three years ago at his Uncle’s house though it was Dobby who did it, not to mention when Harry blew up Aunt Marge.

Fudge then brings up Harry’s rule-breaking at Hogwarts, but Dumbledore reminds Fudge that the Ministry does not have the authority to punish students for what they do at school. Dumbledore also points out how ridiculous it is for the Wizengamot to be involved in this incident. The Wizengamot then clears Harry of all charges and Dumbledore peaces out quickly.

 

One of the hardest things to deal with in my life is my constant need for perfection. Hello, My name is Kristina and I am a perfectionist. Most people know this about me. Nine times out of ten I won’t do things unless I know i can do it perfectly, and then ever if I do try if something small goes wrong I am the most critical person about whatever it is that I do. A great example of this comes from work last week. We sent out some charts that I made to various properties that we own in various states. I worked hard on these and thought I did a fairly good job (and that was after I talked myself through my anxiety about turning this charts in for a few hours). Then we had a Regional Manager tell us that I cited the wrong laws…trigger my anxiety and perfectionism. I worked really hard to not be hard on myself and to not apologize profusely to one of my supervisors, but alas I still felt the need to apologize and explain what happened, even though my supervisor said it was not even close to being a big deal.

Perfectionism is a horrible disease in our society, fueled by unreachable standards, comparison, and the invention of social media. We have created a society where mistakes and flaws are frowned upon.  Our lives have to be perfectly manicured and we have to push ourselves to always be better and be the best at all we do. But is that sustainable int he long run? I’ll tell you this much… it’s not working for me.

And that brings me to the correlation between my life, law school, and this chapter of Harry Potter.

Fudge tries to bring up all of Harry’s mistakes, his flaws throughout the year, blemishes on his record in order to villianize Harry, disgracing him for telling the truth about Voldemort. In Fudge’s eyes harry’s mistakes are fuel for campaigning against Harry and discrediting him and that’s true for most of us. I used my flaws and mistakes, as well as other people’s, in order to justify why I/they suck. We all do it to an extent. We don’t like something about ourselves and we look for it in others to justify not liking it in ourselves. We don’t like another person so we share their mistakes and flaws with others in order to get other people to be on our side. (Gosh we aren’t nice to each other… are we?)

But what’s the point in that? Why do we put ourselves and others on trial in order to make ourselves greater? Why do we work so hard to create perfect lives, afraid of making mistakes that others will see? What if we just lived our lives, mistakes and all, and actually enjoyed the risks we take in life, the joys of seeing those we don’t necessary care for live their best lives, and the unexpected paths our mistakes may bring us to? here Harry’s mistakes weren’t always his own, and his flaws were what made him need his friends. His life was far from perfect, and I’ve said numerous times that his flaws drove me nuts and made him my least favorite character in the series, but what if I changed that perspective and embraced his flaws? What if I started to embrace my flaws too?

Perfectionism creates unhappiness… we live in an imperfect world… mistakes let us grow and move forward while sometimes pushing us back until we get it right. Don’t aim for perfectionism… aim for a life well lived. At least that’s what I’m going to try to do. will you do it with me?

Until Next Time,

Mischief Managed

It’s been one hell of a winter break this time around. Last year for winter break I didn’t have anything left to do after finals. Actually, after our last final I got on a plane and headed to NYC for a week and then to Las Vegas for Christmas. This year, my winter break sort of started at Thanksgiving… but not really. I ended up having no finals, but instead had a 30 page paper and tons of client work to wrap up which went on until this past Friday.  It’s crazy how one year makes a difference.

Anyways it got me thinking about the past year and half of law school and how sometimes we only ever tell bits of the story on how our journey is going.

As you’ll see in the chapters below, things can get pretty tough, twisted, and turned upside down. Only bits and pieces of the story is sometimes told, the pieces we want people to know, the parts that make us look a certain way, the parts other people hear and retell.

Chapter 26- The Second Task

This is how I imagine the planning of the second task went:

Bagman: “Let’s bewitch children and put them underwater and then tell the ones that love them that they will die unless the champions save their lives!”

Crouch: “Do whatever you want Ludo.”

Bagman: “I think Dumbledore will love this idea. Oh and mermaids!”

Who the hell was like, let’s do this?!? AND BETTER  YET, WHY THE HELL WAS DOBBY WRITTEN OUT OF THIS SCENE IN THE MOVIE?!? Sure, I get it maybe it was to make Neville start to look like a real hero, the silent nerdy hero that he is… BUT REALLY?!? Sorry to break it to you movie fans who have never read the books: DOBBY GAVE HARRY THE GILLYWEED. Nevertheless, the champions go to save their loved ones, Harry’s hero complex strikes again, he saves Ron and Fleur’s little sister since Fleur never shows up. And the rest is history, Harry comes in second place even though he is the last one and well out of the time limit. Oh and guess what, Dumbledore would never have let these kids die is the champions didn’t save them. So joke’s on Harry for believing what authority figures tell him…he should know by now, you can’t trust anyone, including people who aren’t supposed to lie to you like ever.

Chapter 27- Padfoot Return

Well we all now Ron has a need for attention and in this chapter he surely flaunts what his mama gave him, exaggerating the story of what happened in the lake. Well, he exaggerates until Hermione sets the story straight in front of crowd of people. Anyways, as the title of this chapter states, Sirius aka Padfoot aka Snuggles is back. He’s living his best life in a cave outside of Hogsmeade. The trio go to visit him and then they all chat about the Malfoys and Barty Crouch… did you know Barty Crouch put the Lestranges and his own son in jail without even a twitch in his eye. Fun Fact. Here’s another one: Barty Crouch was like the big bad judge of his day putting all the death eaters away… he was ruthless… he was mean… he did his job… including putting away the disgrace of his family. The trio leaves Snuggles in the cave to head back to Hogwarts… the end of the chapter. 

Chapter 28- The Madness of Mr. Crouch

Upon finding out all the juicy deets on Mr. Crouch, the Trio goes to ask Percy about Crouch’s whereabouts… since the old man has certainly been absent from the social scenes lately. Upon doing so they run into Dobby, who tells them about Winky, so they go visit Winky who drunkingly alludes to some mischief happening at the Crouch residence over the summer. There’s some Rita Skeeter drama and Hermione, being her latest subject (which I failed to mention last chapter about Hermione “dissing” Harry and “turning away” his “love for her”), is now getting hella howlers and hate mail. The champions get invited to check out the Quidditch field where the next task will take place. When heading back to the castle, Krum asks to talk to Harry about Hermione. They head over tot he edge of the forest near Hagrid’s hut only to be bombarded by a crazy MR. CROUCH. And when I say crazy I mean 2007 Britney crazy… he’s giving orders to a tree and talking nonsense. He may not have an umbrella, ella, ella, hey, hey, hey, to beat a car with, but might as well with the way he’s acting. Harry leaves Crouch with Krum so Harry can get Dumbledore, he gets Dumbledore and they run (can you imagine Dumbledore running in his robes? I can’t!) to the forest. Crouch is gone. Krum is stunned (like with magic, lying on the ground). And everyone is mad that Harry and Krum were where they were and start blaming each other. Next Chapter.

Chapter 29- The Dream 

Harry debriefs Hermione and Ron about the night’s happenings. They go to classes. Harry falls asleep in Trelawney’s class and starts to dream. In the dream he hears good old Voldey giving Wormtail orders and letting Wormtail know the Wormtail’s misdeeds have been cleaned up. Nagini gets no dinner. Wormtail gets a “crucio!” straight to the heart and Harry wakes up writing in pain. Of course this happened in class so he’s become a spectacle again. He goes to talk to Dumbledore only to hear the end of a convo with Fudge. Moody tattles on Harry eavesdropping from outside the door.

During winter break, every time you talk to someone from home or someone you haven’t spoken to in a while the same conversation tends to happen. It looks something like this:

Person: “How’s law school going?”

Me: “Eh, it’s alright I guess.”

Person: “What kind of law do you want to do again?”

Me: Names a type of law

Person: “What does that look like?”

Me: gives a 20 minute description of what that type of law looks like, why i’m interested, and explains difference from the type of lawyer portrayed on tv. “How about you? What’s new?”

The thing people don’t get to know in this conversation is all the really cool projects I’ve been able to work on and all the really interesting things that I’ve experienced or seen. And that’s partially my fault. Much like Barty Crouch, I don’t like to share every part of my life with the world. For years I’ve been known as the anxious, cynical, tell it how it is friend, and so I feel the need to keep that reputation going strong. The thing is, that means that no one gets to know more than the little tidbits that I share like: “Oh law school is hard. I hate the people for the most part. My professor is so difficult. I probably will never pay off my student loans. I want to do an obscure niche part of law. No I don’t want to litigate and I suck at legal writing.” That’s about the gist of what I let people know about law school. 

Sometimes it’s because I know that’s what people expect, other times it’s because I’m too afraid that I might actually be enjoying this because my grades say that I need to really need to work a little harder, and then most of the time it’s just easier to tell people small tidbits about law school as to not bore them. Here’s the true story though.

Law school is rough but it’s actually very interesting and I like it a lot. I’ve met so many brilliant people who all want to do something totally different. I know people who love water law, public finance, patent law, oil and gas, natural resource law, and so many other types. Everyone has a passion, and if its not for a certain area of law, they have a passion for the law in general. For me, I want to do food law. It’s terrifying though, and I’m not trying to be dramatic at all, it’s legit a newer field of law, so there’s not a clear cut path like a lot of other people have. Yet, I’ve found some really awesome opportunities on this path. I’m the president of our school’s food law society which means I get to lead a group of passionate students and connect current food lawyers with students on campus. We also get to educate students on food policy and law issues, which is pretty cool. Law school is tough, but it’s pretty cool. This past semester I became the student attorney for two actual clients through a school clinic. Getting to see how my work, research and all, gets to help clients is pretty awesome. So yeah, things aren’t so bad.

Thinking about all of the reasons we tell people snippets of our lives, small pieces that we approve of, sometimes only negative and sometimes only positive, is because it’s the story we want to tell ourselves. For me, I tell negative stories, because I’m scared that if I get my hopes up and admit that I actually enjoy something, it will disappear, or it won’t work out, or I’ll disappoint someone else who would rather see my life be something else. Here’s the real truth, I self-sabotage things because I’m afraid to live my best life. Now I know that sounds crazy to say, but I think deep down people who have a background like mine can truly feel this way sometimes. For so long I’ve lived this one storyline, been this one person that change, even good change, makes me feel like a fraud to who I’ve been.

I mean, we’ve all seen that story, the one where someone rises up from their sad shitty life and they become this great person, this well-off magnificent person, but everyone back home hates them or thinks they are a fraud, or they all say “oh what? You think you better than us now?” That’s what I’m afraid will happen. And sure, people will comment on this post on Facebook and be all like nah girl we love you and we want you to live your best life, but when friendships fall apart because of distance and change, when I do live my best life the things we all say now could change…

For so long I’ve been afraid of that. I’ve been afraid to leave people behind, been afraid people will tell stories of me like they do of Barty Crouch. Afraid people will no longer even want to be my friend if I change too much… but the thing is, change is inevitable. The story can’t stay the same forever, the story has to change, and as we will see with Barty Crouch’s story in later chapters, it’s not always a happy ending, but sometimes its a story worth sharing.

That’s what I’m planning on doing for 2018, both writing a new story and sharing it with the world too.

Until Next Time,

Mischief Managed

There is something I find absolutely magical about starting a new book (and it’s not just because this is Harry Potter either). The beginning of this book is perfectly timed with the beginning of finals season and the end of the 1L year. I sat down to read and write today listening to one of my absolute favorite musical compositions in the world: October by Eric Whitacre 

In middle school and high school I played the flute (and sometimes other instruments) in band. I loved when we would play complex musical pieces like this one. Every instrument had its own crucial part to play. Every time we started with a new piece we would sight-read it, meaning as an ensemble we would get the music and just attempt to play it together, not knowing how the notes worked together, how each line created a piece of the story, how important the crescendos and diminuendos were… we would just play, hoping we would all at least stop together.

It never sounded amazing on the first run through. So we would try again. We would practice at home. We would work with our section leaders and each other to better our parts. We would come back together and play it again and again, working to see the big picture, to paint the musical storyline through each note and each rest. We would work together, we would listen to each other and I swear we would bond through the piece.

Now I played sports, was on student council and did many other team oriented activities, but there was something about band that made me feel like I belonged. Ever since then, when I gave up on a dream of playing music, because school and work became more important i’ve worked to see music in other aspects of my life. When I listen to music, or attend musicals I can literally feel the music in my heart and see the music in my mind picking out each individual instrument. A lot of the time my soul longs to be sitting in the front row on a stage with the conductor in front of me and clarinets and trumpets behind me simply getting lost in the creation of a beautiful symphony for the audience to listen to and indulge in. Yet, that was a dream of the past.

Sitting down to read this week’s chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban I turned that piece of beautiful music on, looking for inspiration once again. There within that chapter, I didn’t find a theme. I found music. Like sitting down to play a composition, writing a book takes bringing the right notes and rests, the right crescendos and diminuendos together. J.K. Rowling composes a beautiful opening chapter. She juxtaposes Harry’s past two summers with the one at hand. She paints humbleness through the letters sent to Harry on his birthday. She paints thankfulness through Harry’s thoughts about his friends. She paints wonder through the simplicity of Harry’s interactions with the Wizarding World. Yet, she also still paints a hunting doubt and wincing moments of foreshadowing through minute sentences hidden in Harry’s thoughts and treasures. Writing, reading and playing music can all be hard to do when the material is fresh, the excitement boiling over and the insecurities lingering nearby.

Reading this chapter, listening to music from my past, and trying to prepare for the finals ahead made me think of how difficult journeys can be. Harry is having a typical summer, a summer vacation that he hates and spends longing to now be back in school, the place he feels like he belongs. He sneakily does his homework at night as to not invoke the fury of the Durselys. He awaits to hear from his friends. He lives out his present in hopes that his future will be better. He dwells for small moments on the past, revisiting the school year before, looking forward to the school year ahead, all whilst knowing that Voldemort is still out there looking to kill Harry at any moment. He feels full when he hears from his friends, and he feels alone when he does not. Every summer is like playing the same musical piece, one he knows good and well until the end, when school is about to begin, then he starts sight-reading a brand new piece.

This past year, moving away from home, getting back into school, having to make new friends while trying to keep old friends, living with someone and learning how that works when I’ve lived alone for 4 years, not working then working, and learning the law and how law school works in general has been like one giant sight-reading exercise. There are section leaders and peers that come in and out of this exercise to help, but no one consistently throughout the whole process. The sections of flutes and trumpets and percussion have cycled through so many people and the second you think you’ve got it down, a few key players, soloists or full sections get sick and take leave.

Law school is the giant orchestra that never comes together to produce one song. There are too many rogue soloists, there are too many paid musicians who come in for an hour and leave to go be with their real friends and family, there is a lot of heart but it is all given to other motivations. No one is truly in it for the good of the music, for the heart and the soul full of passion.

After every huge piece, when we would perfect it, when we would accomplish something huge, as a group we would beg for something new, something harder to tackle as a group. The music, the challenge, the passion became addictive… the thing is we knew we couldn’t do it without each other. Band wasn’t always glamorous, we fought like families do, we were friends most of the time and enemies at other times, we hated seeing each other all the time, but missed each other when it had been too long. We were up before the sun together and still awake together hours after it went down. We wanted to kill each other at times. We were a family though, fueled by a love of music and a longing to create it together.

Law school can be that way at times… until finals. Everyone loves and hates each other up until finals… then we all leave each other. When the music gets challenging we dip out. We leave, lock ourselves away, stop communicating to most people, only talking to and reaching out to those key individuals who are on our level, who are part of our smart study group, those we deem worthy of our time. We cast away those instruments that were essential to us when we were no longer struggling.

Harry felt alone most of his summer. He realized that Ron attempted to reach out and then went on vacation and probably told Hermione not to call harry since Ron’s attempt went so poorly. Harry spent most of the summer feeling like an outcast again… until his birthday. Around 1 AM on his birthday everyone wrote to him, sending him gifts.

As we go into finals, as we sight-read a new piece of music together before heading off to let the music go dark for the summer, I think it’s important to take a moment and assess what’s truly important: the music we play together or the music you play alone. For me, there was nothing more nerve-wracking than playing a solo while every one else rested silently… I loved being part of the music, the build to end, with my peers. It’s where I felt I belonged. Hogwarts is where harry feels he belongs with his peers. Going into finals… where do you feel you belong?

Until Next Time,

Mischief Managed