My first semester of law school ended with a fantastic BIG FAT C- on my transcript. I remember the day we got grades as if it was yesterday. It was the first time I ever had to drive to work in the snow. Luckily it was during the day and not snowing all that bad, but I felt a pit in my stomach knowing that I would have to drive about 12 miles in the snow for the first time. I did it though, I got to work and got my free drink and sat down to wait for my shift to begin… then I got the text “Grades are up.”
I hurriedly pulled out my phone logging into the website to look at my grades. B, B, B-, C-… my heart stopped. I reloaded the page, there was no way I got a C- in my favorite class, the one class I thought I knew so well. The page reloaded and there it was…C-. I was devastated. I felt sick to my stomach. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes… but i had to go clock in.
As I clocked in for work, my mind started spinning… of course you got a C- you aren’t smart like everyone else… maybe you should quit, you don’t belong here anyways… God you are so stupid, if you only studied the way everyone else did… Why can’t you just be like everyone else and spend late nights in the library? Why do you think you are special and don’t have to study as hard? God you are so stupid.
The thoughts just kept coming. I couldn’t stop them. Luckily within 20 minutes I got sent home early due to snow. The next few weeks were a blur. I kept beating myself up, fighting the urge to cry… I reloaded the page over and over thinking a different grade would be produced. It wasn’t until I calmed myself and started thinking about that day that I realized… it wasn’t because I was stupid that I got a C-… it was because I had a panic attack right before the exam and the rest was like a prolonged black out ending when I left the law school building.
Chapter Recap:
So classes begin and everyone is a little on edge already. Classes are boring, OWLS are coming, the Weasley twins are being suspicious… everything builds to Umbridge’s class. As soon as the class begins everything becomes a mess. Umbridge tells everyone to put away their wands and read quietly, which surprisingly Hermione refuses to do and starts a heated class discussion of why they shouldn’t just read quietly. Things get so heated Harry gets sent out of the classroom for yelling at Umbridge. Harry goes to McGonagall who gives him a cookie for firing back at Umbridge. Later Harry serves detention with Umbridge… and we all know what happens there.
We all have an Umbridge inside of us. It’s that little voice that cries for control when fear and denial take the front seat in our lives. It’s that part of us that lashes out at loved ones trying to gain control of a situation that we just don’t want to face the facts about. It’s the part of us that lies to others and tells ourselves the same exact lie in order to stay loyal to the way we want to feel, to stay loyal to the toxic parts of our lives that we just cannot let go of. We may all hate Dolores Umbridge, but we all have an Umbridge inside of our hearts and our heads.
Don’t believe me? Think of a time where you talked down to yourself. Maybe it was a time where you really felt like you failed… what did you say to yourself? Did you critique every moment? Did you tell yourself that you sucked, that you would amount to very little, that you shouldn’t be part of whatever successes you were having?
Or think of a time where you belittled someone else to gain control of a situation? Maybe you were frustrated with the person because you thought they lied to you, or at least were rude in some manner… did you confront them or did you critique their every move and told them just how bad of a person they were … all to make yourself feel better?
Now I’m not writing this to make anyone feel bad about themselves. No, I want people to realize that this is something most people go through in law school and in life without realizing it. When fear and a lack of control set in and toxic relationships, behaviors and the like start to come into play, your Umbridge starts to show. It may show to the outside world damaging relationships with others or it may be something that starts to break you down psychologically.
There have been so many times in law school since that first semester that I sit in class and think, “God Kristina you are so stupid. How did you not get that answer right? How could you sound so ridiculous in class? You should really drop out and go back to high school to get on these people’s level.” Even after years of therapy, journalling, and more I still can’t seem to always tame my Umbridge. When I feel uncomfortable with a situation or feel deep shame good old Dolores rears her toad like head and tells me just how much of an idiot I am… and she’s not very nice, she’s never very nice.
What’s worse is that each time we do this to ourselves we leave a little scar too. Much like the scars on the back of Harry’s hand, I know every time I tell myself that I’m not good enough or that I’m stupid I leave a little scar on my brain that just gets reopened over and over. Words cut deeper than anything else!
The thing is we have to learn to quiet Umbridge when she’s getting out of control. A little Umbridge every now and then might keep us safe…. but Umbridge on a full out assault on those you love or yourself does not need to happen! I wish I had the perfect roadmap for people who struggle with their inner Dolores, but it’s not a one size fits all solution. But I can tell you this, talk about your issues. Harry keeps all of this abuse to himself, allowing Umbridge to get into his head (amongst other things like feeling like a failure in not being able to save Cedric). Reach out to people, don’t bottle it all up. Find a community of people who will support you in times of need. You are not alone.
Speaking of community’s I want to give a HUGE shout-out to one of the best communities I’ve found in law school. I started this blog after I heard a very special podcast: Harry Potter and the Sacred Text. And last night I got to be at a live show of this podcast! If you haven’t listened to it and love Harry Potter DO IT NOW. STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN TO IT NOW. Vanessa and Casper are amazing! You’ll be happy you did!
Until Next Time,
Mischief Managed
A quick picture with my best friend Kalle, and Vanessa and Casper from HP and the Sacred Texts after the Denver Live Show!
Sorting Hat then goes on to give everyone a warning: even though the Hat must sort them all, Hogwarts must stay united.
The morale of the story is that we each bring something unique to the table and better yet, we each need what the other brings to the table. How does this relate to law school? Well that’s simple, those on the Trial path (Public Defenders and District Attorneys included), those on the Transactional path, and those in between all need each other, yet seem somewhat disconnected.
The thing is, to be successful in this field, you have to be flexible, you have to play the game. Even if it feels like the odds are stacked against you, you have to play along. Harry had to play along. They literally moved his meeting time and place knowing he would either miss it or be late. It was part of the game, but alas there he was. While I hate living in a world where you have to kiss up to people to get anywhere, I’ve come to the realization that kissing up to people may be the only way to make it through this season of my life and that one day, when I am the boss, the supervisor, the person calling the shots I will remember the hoops I had to jump through to be successful and I will find a way to come alongside those below me and work with them to create a new path to success.
I think it’s interesting that Rowling uses these conversations this way. It’s quite brilliant actually, and it’s something we do in the legal profession all the time. We are storytellers, we paint our clients the way we want the world to see them. We weave together stories about how our clients aren’t bad people, sometimes they are just people that make mistakes. We reveal to juries or judges that our clients are people who deserve second chances, or who deserve justice for the harms done to them. We weave together stories and put together puzzles in hopes we can change lives.
Last night I spoke with someone about telling stories in your career. As law school goes on, as careers begin, we will be telling the world a story with every decision we make. Whether we choose to take risks, make plans to get to our end goal, or choose to be comfortable and stay in one place, every decision we make tells a story to others. Think about that during your day. Think about what story you want to tell others, what story you are telling others and how all of that is working out for you in the long run. It’s your legacy, it’s your life, it’s you on the line. Is your story one you want to share? Is your story working for you? Think about it this week.
So Harry stays put. He is locked in his room and not allowed to leave. He doesn’t get a letter from any of his friends or Sirius. The Durselys leave to go and receive an award for the look of their lawn. The Durselys leave and shortly after Harry hears a thud downstairs. Lo and behold a pack of wizards are infiltrating the house. They chit-chat with Harry and tell him they are there to save him from the horrors of this place. Their destination is secret, the REAL Mad-eyed Moody is taking everything super seriously and then they are off, flying high above London.
You know these past few weeks have been interesting in the law world. The clinic I am in is ramping up and student orgs are starting to shift their views to next year and man oh man, I’m tired. But you know what really has just got me really upset lately? Well, it’s a phrase that I keep hearing from people… “It’s all in your head.”
You know if people said to Harry: “Your loneliness this summer, that’s all in your head,” I’m sure he would have wanted to Avada Kedavara everyone in the room. Now that strong of an emotion mainly comes from the hormones rushing through his teenager body, but the thing is I understand it. It sucks to be told that you thinking something isn’t quite reality and then to not be offered any other evidence as to how you are perceiving it wrong. Sure, there are a million quotes out there about things being “mind over matter” but when someone expresses a feeling, don’t tell them that it is all in their head. Maybe explore it for a moment if you think how they are feeling is wrong. Validate the feeling, but then give proof as to why you think that feeling may be a little off. Don’t just offer up the “it’s all in your head” statement and then move on because it might be too damn messy to take the time to offer someone advice or assurance. Damn. And that’s just my first little rant about things lately.
The Wizarding World of Law School 